You probably know someone who is not just good at what they do: they are incredibly effective, and as a result, successful.

What is it that makes those highly effective people successful?

That’s the question that researchers Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler asked. The answers, which surprised this team of business researchers, are the topic of their best-selling book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.

They began by asking business people across the country, “Who is the most effective person in your company?” Over 25 years, they asked more than 20,000 people to identify those co-workers who could really get things done.

The authors then observed those who were rated by their peers as extremely effective and successful. These were the folks that everyone knew were able to get things done, and they were found not just in the corner office but in all levels of the organization.

The skill they all possessed? The ability to engage in dialogue that was both completely honest, yet completely respectful. The way that they handled crucial conversations was the key to their success. They didn’t believe that in order to be truthful, you had to hurt people’s feelings.

The authors assert that the dialogue skills they observed in these successful business people can be learned, and that if you want to be successful, you need to develop those skills. The precepts of the book apply not only to business relationships but to personal ones as well.

Crucial conversations happen when we create a safe place for someone to honestly share what what they are thinking, and yet be respectful and invite others to do the same.

As a coach, I have seen first hand what the concepts in this book can do for my clients’ confidence during difficult meetings. One of the most important concepts is to become aware of their inner universe during such meetings. In our coaching sessions, we determine what label they would put on themselves. Do they turn to silence or violence? If so, why do they respond that way? Did they learn that behavior from a role model or their upbringing?

This simple tool has helped them understand why they become defensive and how to handle their emotions so that they stay respectful during high stake meetings.

The book delves quickly into teaching the skills of dialogue that will help anyone communicate more effectively but also become more successful on every front. The purpose of the book is not merely to help you become a better communicator, but to achieve what excellent communicators achieve: success.

Our communication, whether it is with our spouse, our co-worker, or our teenage children, can often become accusatory or defensive. Especially when a conversation becomes crucial, emotions can run high. The authors assert that changing our approach to conversations can change our relationships, our business outcomes, and our overall effectiveness.

Crucial Conversations covers topics like:

• how to add to the “pool of meaning” so that everything gets out on the table
• why we typically retreat to silence, or strike out in violence, and how to avoid those two dysfunctional responses which both kill dialogue
• how to recognize when we are contributing to the very problem we are trying to solve, and what to do about it
• how to keep conversations honest but safe, and to recognize when safety is at risk

The authors point out that “people who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations.” They also point out that these folks learn to tell “useful stories” that add meaning, rather than “clever stories” to manipulate. A lot of what they’re talking about overlaps with concepts of Emotional Intelligence. Being able to read a situation, actively listen, speak without violence, and so forth are all marks of emotionally intelligent leaders.

This book is easy to read, with lots of practical advice and real-life stories. It’s also very challenging, because it asks us to approach conversations in a new way. I highly recommend it.

Here’s a link to a video of Joseph Grenny talking about Crucial Conversations.